Content warning: abuse
We all have a ‘Body, mind and Soul’ we feel the vibrations affecting our physical senses, thoughts, experiences and environment. Life brings possibilities and disasters
On this earthly plane. All our cells need growth and repair, our soul connection linked like a transformer,
It’s a term few understand.
We have all expressed our differences and disappointments when living an ordinary life. Our relationships with loved ones, friends and family members can become strained and toxic.
They measure the breadth, width, height and scope of our existence, pulling us into the past and present by their goal directed actions.
One thought leads to another?
“we all believe different things concerning the ‘how’ of life.”
“For surely there is an end and thine expectation shall not be cut off” (Proverbs 23:13)
They say humans have a unique vessel to heal after experiencing some kind of traumatic life event.
“What happens if you feel despondent and on mute or don’t have loved ones and friends?”
For many, home is not a safe space.
What amplifies our human existence affected my physical, emotional and psychological wellness “life can become restricted.”
“What is your idea of a person?”
Some deeply embed characteristics of ‘swinging mood, irritability, predatory behaviour, quick temperament, fear provoking, over checking what you do.
I lived with an abusive parent. Like a pressure cooker their steam burst, tipping over the edge. Those events never voiced themselves. I became accustomed to silence, keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself.
I liked being with nature and in the sunshine. I often sat listening to the birds and music. After I had been singing, without warning everything changed, I was chastised with a belt and a hammer lobbed at me assuming I would live up to their demands.
Like a magnet, I was under the radar threatened with some kind of revengeful act ”your life is a failure and so are your choices, nobody wants an embarrassment, that style doesn’t suit or hair colour, things are going to change.’
I was against a tidal wave “kill yourself that will solve all my problems” they answered not wanting me to go on living “was my existence too much?”
Their grip tightened ‘you’re doing nothing with your life’ I was trapped unable to move away ‘sort your life out, things are going to change’ with their hands on my throat, was immobilising. Their statement was cold and exasperated. No show of remorse, no inclination to give love or acceptance. I turned mute “was I to blame?”
Their rage came out of nowhere when it happened it was sudden. I didn’t need to change my diet, style of dress, hair colour, thinking or friends. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I lost my self esteem, became suicidal and depressed. Nobody ever asked if I was frightened of anyone.
What emerged were attempts to empty my financial independence several times. I was left in a state of worry and fear.
My life quality was slowly diminishing by a system that sought to close me down. Unable to vent my experiences I shriveled shocked and emotionally numb. I plunged into oblivion, fearing no return when the call came from the Police. Unprepared, “the statutory 6 month time limits had been outlived” there was no relief.
I cried, ‘drown it out’ my friend uncorked a bottle of wine. I often wondered if it was a case of ‘wrong place, wrong time’ and I struggled to understand their mental activity and violence. Not all abuse is physical with visible scars, needing a hospital visit or two.
Flash-backs returned, constant upsetting memories, difficult feelings surfaced, startled and on edge. Trembling, insomnia set in, awake with dread “no woman or child allows themselves to be abused.”
My experiences were many. Patterns of abuse can escalate over an extended period of time. Separate events of coercive and controlling behaviour including restricting financial independence and monitoring of activities, add up to abuse. It does not discriminate. Interpersonal violence and domestic abuse often goes unheard.
“What is your reason for living?”
The world is full of chaos, it can be stressful and challenging in times of darkness. It’s not easy to be at your best during periods of uncertainty.
You can lose a positive mindset you had for yourself. We have all experienced low points in our daily lives. Like sponges, that targets specific aspects of your being ‘we can’t all handle toxic feedback.’
Looking for peace is vital when hanging on. ‘Life can be short or long when we’re hesitating.’
I live with a chronic illness too though living an ordinary life depleted remains a history. If you know what fear does, the type that holds ‘you dare not say anything when questioned about your capacity to independent living on whatever means to keep you Alive, it cripples with every move.’
‘Whatever is your beacon of light, never be afraid. Give your mind and soul the relief it needs.”
“What reminds you of the important things in life is what makes you human, whatever your purpose is for living there is hope.”
By Kerry Harrison
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30th November 2020